Gerbil? Rehab? Nonono

11:29PM - Getting in touch

... on reflection, I managed to reclaim some of myself today.

I threw out a binder that constantly told me I was incapable. The deliberately psychotic, narcissistic witch who claimed she gave birth to me -- the woman who liked to call herself my mother -- created this binder for my first wedding. She wanted people to see it as a book of memories, one she worked so hard to create by taking various cartoon images and putting "appropriate" captions on them. In spite of her heavy-handed promotion of this book, I saw it as another way to poke fun at me publicly, to remind me that I don't measure up, and where the truth wasn't negative enough, she made up stories to suit her (and probably still does).

One of the cartoon images I remember was some wolf in a police uniform, driving a police car, with lights blazing (and, presumably, sirens blaring); the caption was something about my then-husband teaching me to drive. Newsflash: my husband (in that marriage) did NOT teach me to drive. I saved up and used my own money to attend professional driver training before I got my driver license. This, however, did not substantiate my FOO's version that I was not a good driver, that a man should do the driving, and that I am more cartoon and less human than any of them.

Did I mention that my FOO -- and momster in particular -- were distinctly unhappy with my first husband? At least until the time our divorce became final, at which time he miraculously morphed into a wonderful human being.

Anyway. I threw the damn binder out. And I felt better. Immediately. Immediately

Happy New Year.

Current mood: good

11:22PM - Out Of Touch

After one full year without the husband, after six months without the abusive FOO .... I am still fascinated that I am more aware of the dangerous winds, outside my home, than I am of my own body.

And I still haven't figured out why the cat must mosh on my stomach when I am in the most pain

Current mood: blank

12:47PM

This is the first Christmas I can remember where I do not feel pressured to perform. I have given me permission to act in whatever way brings me the consequences I want, and this year I want peace, joy and happiness at Christmas. Therefore, I am not celebrating by buying presents, or by wasting time putting up decorations that do not bring me joy, or by forcing myself to spend time with people whose main purpose in life appears to be draining me of my life force.

In short (and I am all about the short), I am feeling peace, I am joyful, I am happy.

And I wish the same to you all, no matter what you are celebrating or how you choose to do so.

Current mood: jubilant

11:59AM - Snow? Imagine that.

Previously I posted I was going to talk less and write more.

This is working well for me, and even though they don't know it, it's working well for the weirdos who abound in my life.

Here's one example. To appreciate this, you need to know I live in a northern part of Canada where there is, at this moment, no less than two feet of snow on the ground with more falling from the sky.

I'm driving away from a gas station, where I've fueled up my vehicle, and this old guy points vigorously at the front of my vehicle. So I stop immediately and roll down my window (because he runs over to my passenger window) and ask "What's wrong, sir?"

Old guy says "Your tires have snow on them! You need to get a stick and poke some of the snow off!"

[pause for the sound of snow falling while I repress the urge to jump out of my vehicle and pummel old guy with a stick while screaming "Out, out, begone you vicious demon, release this human being from your venomous grip of immense stupidity"]

"Oh, thank you, I'll get right on that!" says I as I roll up my window and drive away like a fiend with her tail on fire.

Seriously. There's snow on my tires. Shocking. There's snow on his tires, snow on his head, snow on his vehicle, not to mention snow on the tires of every other vehicle on the snow-covered roads around here. But me, I have to get a stick and poke some of the snow off. Now, in case you're wondering if perhaps I had an unusually large build-up of snow on my tires, the answer is 'no.'

So, imagine that. Snow on my tires, and I didn't verbally explode.

Current mood: cold

12:46PM - Anyone familiar with Dell Human Resources?

Before he left, my not-quite-yet-ex once applied to work at Dell and was turned down because (according to him) he failed Dell's personality test. He railed against Dell and swore he would never, ever apply to work there. A year ago, I bought myself a Dell computer to replace the one that died during my nqy-ex's move out. During the summer, I received confirmation that my not-quite-yet-ex was about to be hired by Dell.

This week, my Dell computer software insisted that I accept the Dell Support Center screen (which now displays anytime my computer is on).

Could my nqy-ex spy on any of my online activites (or worse yet, offline activities) via this Dell Support Center software?

Because, if he can, I will give him a run for his money. Oh, wait a minute, he claims he doesn't have any money. Well, anyway. Just wondering. Sure would be interesting to find out if there is a way to learn, for sure, that he is working for Dell.

Current mood: mischievous

12:12AM - Festive

Celebrate as you see fit. As long as your celebrations don't include stupid activities like firing guns into the air or at other people.

That's why my office is so much fun. December 20th, the boss decides he wants to take a picture of all the office staff (there aren't many of us, and fewer still owing to holidays) so I can create a Christmas card from the picture to mail to various businesses. And he got upset with me when I told him the cards won't get to these other business for Christmas 2007. He accused me of saying that because I'm not a Christian. Well, I am not a Christian. I also am not in charge of the time-space continuum. Go talk to whoever is in charge of that and maybe that person can distort time sufficiently to get your cards delivered on time.

Speaking of time, I have not eaten red meat for over a decade. So it comes as no surprise that this year's office Christmas party is, once again, being held at a steak house. And I'm supposed to bring a significant other to the party. Did I ever mention that my not-quite-yet-ex is a certified psycho who owns a gun and enough bullets to wreak serious havoc on any social function I attend? Said not-quite-yet-ex's fiancee (oh yes, he got her to agree to marry him four months after he moved out of my home) has an informant who works in the same building where I work. As a result, my not-quite-yet-ex is well informed about my office functions. He has no problem breaking the restraining order to see if I bring anyone to any such gathering.

Enough of the background. Here's the fun stupid activity part: everyone at my office is, for obvious reasons, aware that I don't eat red meat and that I avoid after hours social gatherings for everyone's safety. Which completely does not explain why the organizer of this year's Christmas party is upset that I am not attending. Seriously. Steak house. Well-armed psycho stalker. Is either one alone not reason enough to say no?

Next year, one of the office Christians can decorate the office. In fact, I'll let one of the office Christians take down all of the festive decorations I put up for Xmas 2007. We'll see how long that takes!

Current mood: ditzy

10:30PM - Boss Personality Disorder

Signs that my boss might be personality disordered.

He spends two and a half hours talking to someone in what amounts to an unscheduled appointment that delayed two scheduled appointments (and a third person walked out of the building) -- Then he comes in and counsels me that I am taking too long talking to people who come in to the building.

He hangs up on two different callers, by accident -- Then he comes in and counsels me that I need to learn to prioritize my phone calls.

He loses his business cell phone -- Then he comes in and counsels me that I need to take better care of things because office costs rose again this month.

Do the deed, then blame me for doing that or similar. I lived with this for a long time as a child, and I foolishly chose to live with that for a long time as an adult. Now that I am clearing up my life, I am seriously questioning why I stay at a job where it becomes clearer, every day, that my boss is off.

Current mood: accomplished

11:34PM - When Your Boss is a Bully

Yeah, after being on the planet this many years (I'm holding up the digits on both hands and flashing that repeatedly; I'm over 40 fyi) and finally getting out of an abusive family and an abusive marriage, I realize I'm working for a bully. And with coworkers who have no concept about boundaries. Middle Management (consists of one person; this is a small office!) has been attending Al-Anon for over a decade to cope with personal problems and apparently, the lessons have not been absorbed or I would not be disciplined for (a classic example) copying the closing paragraph from one template letter into a new template letter. What the hell the problem is with copying and pasting a line between two business documents on an office computer is beyond me; further more, how about a chat with the coworker who put in that complaint, for there is someone with far too much time on his hands if he can stand around and watch what I do.

So, yeah, I am realizing I need to clean up the resume and contact some placement agencies. Because nothing says "You have overstepped my boundaries once too often" like a resignation.

Current mood: cheerful

7:59PM - Talk Less, Write More

Honest to Pete, what's up with the guy who is sleeping in the bed his wife slept in with her previous husband?

Is he in the Guiness Book of Records for the largest jellyfish managing to live as a human being?

Current mood: quixotic

7:21PM - Watch Me Shut Up, Even More

- watching Colin & Justin redecorate a house
- thinking I am going to continue drastically reducing what I say to people
- extraordinarily glad my not-quite-yet-ex-husband does not live with me or even communicate with me anymore
- got pissed off during a very brief exchange with a neighbor (Hello, snow is snow, once you've driven in any one of several European cities, driving in less than four feet of snow is hardly a challenge; thanks for the warning about how bad the driving is; can't you just accept my thanks and move on? or are you still reeling from the guilt of me having shoveled out your walkway and sidewalk so your wife can get your newborn safely to and from the house, while you sat inside doing, oh, nothing?)
- if I continue to reduce what I say to people, I will, very soon, say nothing at all
- coincidentally, nothing matches my level of interest in most other people in this city (I miss contact with people from two cities ago, and contact with the folks I met in Europe two months ago, and I don't want to continue meeting people here since they all seem to be of a similar nature: boring, illiterate, neanderthal, boring
- why do I not move? Because I'm gathering so much material for my comedy routine

Current mood: apathetic

6:48PM - Not Complaining

... just saying I finally got logged in

... and now, I forget what I was going to write.

le sigh

Now, to prepare a shopping list. Very exciting stuff: I can afford to buy food this weekend. Timing's great, I'll be able to get some baking done in time for Christmas (which I don't celebrate). From the sounds of it, I'll be the only one in my office every day through the weeks of Christmas and New Years. Therefore, I shall comfort myself with copious amounts of really good food and I will not share.

I will, however, be making plans to set up my own company, instead of working on the items that sit upon my desk waiting for my attention. And eating, I will be eating instead of working.

I might just show up in my pyjamas because, really, who am I trying to kid? No one else there, why should I dress for success?

Oh yes. And I shall purchase a new pair of shoes at a very expensive store and I won't feel the slightest twinge of guilt. Hunger, maybe, but definitely no guilt.

My life is so much better without energy vampires draining me dry! Rock on, my life, rock on!

Current mood: chipper

1:53AM - Countdown to Christmas

To prepare for the upcoming exhausting celebrations, I bought myself a couple of DVDs: the latest Pirates (bless you, Mr Depp) and Oceans Thirteen (thank you, Mr Clooney).

I suppose it would be easier to watch them if I get a DVD player for xmas. Hmmm.

Current mood: thoughtful

12:48AM - Tired

Seriously, who else comes home from a nine-hour day, sleeps for two hours then wakes up, all like "OK I'm refreshed now" only to have trouble going back to sleep before, say, 2 AM and then being perpetually almost on time (iow, slightly late) for your next nine hour day?

And I know "devious" doesn't exactly match what I've written; it's just such a cute lil emoticon I had to use it.

Current mood: devious

7:08PM - Here's what I get trying to access my friends link:

Internal Server Error
The server encountered an internal error or misconfiguration and was unable to complete your request.

Please contact the server administrator, webmaster@insanejournal.com and inform them of the time the error occurred, and anything you might have done that may have caused the error.

More information about this error may be available in the server error log.

Additionally, a 404 Not Found error was encountered while trying to use an ErrorDocument to handle the request.
Apache/1.3.33 Server at 127.0.0.1 Port 80
==================================================================

This is besides error messages about proxy servers not being available, preventing me from signing on at all which, as I wrote previously, might be due to an influx of folks from the greatestjournal fiasco?

Current mood: hungry

6:51PM - Problems Signing On

I am aware there are issues with LiveJournal which led to an influx of users at GreatestJournal. The team at GreatestJournal is now telling folks to sign up here at InsaneJournal because there isn't room for new users at GreatestJournal. I'm guessing that's why, last night and tonight, I am unable to sign on here for hours?

I'm not trying to be a cheap ratass user. I looked up how to buy a permanent account with InsaneJournal. It's either $35 US or $40 US and somehow I get my money order to Jason Vervlied. Here's hoping I can actually track down a mailing address for Jason during this logon session!

Current mood: hopeful

12:03PM - Beware

Personality Disorders are more than character flaws. No one is perfect. People who have personality disorders are not just imperfect, they are dangerous. Occasionally stories surface that someone with a personality disorder (I shall now refer to people with personality disorders as PDs) has miraculously rehabilitated him or herself. Much as I would love to believe that, I do not. PDs may be low functioning (one frequent marker of this is repeated threats of, and sometimes repeated attempts of, suicide) or they may be high functioning (they can hold jobs of considerable power and rank within the community, and display their bizarre and dangerous behaviors only within the confines of an intimate relationship) or somewhere between (as in the case of my ex, who disturbs most people on meeting him but, being human, most people give him a second chance and he manages to charm most of them for a while until the creep factor overrides everything else).

This brings us to Drew Peterson, former cop. Drew is now the center of attention regarding the disappearance of his wife, Stacy. Stacy has not been seen since October 28, 2007. Drew fits some of the many traits of a PD: He's 53, and his missing wife is 30 years younger; Kathleen Savio, a previous wife, drowned in a dry bathtub; at the time of Stacy's disappearance, a time when most folks would be frantic with worry about a loved one, Drew seemed more concerned about getting media attention than getting his wife back. News reports indicate Drew is already talking about getting on with his life, about dating. Grief? Not a shred. Guilt? Hardly. Personality Disordered? Big time.

And, by the way, this is not to say that Drew actually murdered Stacy. I don't know if he did. I don't know that Stacy is dead.

I do know that Drew is not acting like someone who cares about anything, even his own safety or freedom. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a classic sign of PD.

Current mood: distressed

10:50PM - On the subject of codependency

Oh yeah. Close to home. As a matter of fact, I am a recovering codependent. Which means I will always have codependent traits. As long as I don't give in to them, I'm OK, constantly a little stressed but otherwise OK. If I give in to the urge to help, or if I don't recognize that I am engaging in unhealthy behavior, I am doomed to revisit Hell.

This means I can empathize with and criticize those who exhibit codependency. Because sometimes nice just doesn't cut it. Sometimes a clue-by-four is the most efficient road to getting your attention and getting you on the road to recovery.

If my criticisms offend you, if you are a delicate flower with easily-trampled emotions, I suggest you tell the person reading to you that it's time to find another bedtime story. Because frankly, I don't care.

Current mood: optimistic

9:10PM - Things I Love

Obviously food and drink. And fashion. Things that are pretty, like beaded ponies and anything pink. Music, especially angry metal with a dash of emo angst. Telephones, mostly mobile. Chats in the wee hours and wee chats for hours. Surely, there is more. And yes, more you shall be told.

I'm still working on getting icons. bbl.

Current mood: cheerful

3:44PM - What, no icons?

Exactly.
I'm working on that.
photoshopping takes longer for gerbils than you might think

Current mood: busy